Paint the Roses Red
by mae2551
Summary: Never feel pity for the enemy. Do they say that too when they're in the enemy's shoes?
1. Pity

Edited: 02/06/16

In which Kaneki loses sight of who he is and Sasaki starts remembering.

Pity is for the weak. Power is for the strong.

* * *

 _Never feel pity for the enemy is how the saying goes_

 _Do they say that too when they're in the enemy's shoes?_

* * *

Kaneki knows he shouldn't feel sympathy but he does anyway because he's aware of how losing someone could hurt so much.

Hanging back in the shadows (like he always had), he watches as Amon cries over the dead partner he would have been able to save, if Kaneki had not been there.

He's well aware of the fact that it may as well have been his fault though he does not regret anything, will not regret anything because it had saved Touka and Hinami.

He doesn't want to feel empathy because he doesn't want to be unsure about his ideals. He's scared of losing sight of what makes him Kaneki.

He doesn't want to feel this pity.

* * *

After Aogiri, he's been wandering around the dangerous wards, searching for information about Rize. (And in turn, the _ghoul_ she turned him into.)

There's a lot of death and despair in those wards.

The doves strike down the ghouls mercilessly and his mind tortures him with the image of how Fueguchi Ryoko died, the way Mado didn't even let her have her last words.

(How weak he was back then, when he was powerless to save her. How _weaker_ he is now, when he wouldn't even lift a finger to save them.)

The ghouls descend on the doves' dead bodies with relish, feasting on them like flies hovering over garbage.

(Then again, there really is no difference between ghouls and humans. _Monsters_ , are they not?)

A half-ghoul, a half-human, what was he, really? He isn't even sure for whom he's feeling pity for; the ghouls or the humans.

(Or is the pity for himself?)

He's completely lost sight of his identity.

(Did it even matter?)

He doesn't want to feel this pity.

* * *

The first time Haise kills a ghoul, its blood splatters against the white of his coat, spreading ever so slowly.

Innocence overcome by death and tragedy; white roses shrivelling up into red spider lilies.

 _("You tried to eat me so if you get eaten, isn't that just too bad?")_

He hears his own voice, cruel and rough, edged with a certain madness. It frightens him.

If that was how he was before, then he really doesn't want to remember at all.

 _(Paint the roses red, ne, Kaneki-kun?)_

* * *

He's remembering and he wants more of his memories back.

He wants to know the mother who told him that it's better to be hurt than to hurt others, and the woman who told him that to live is to devour others.

He wants to know the boy with sunshine hair and bright grins and the fierce girl with the beautiful wings and hesitant smiles.

He wants to know the little girl who called him 'onii-san' and the man with the curved beard and a gentle heart.

(There was also the man in blindingly bright magenta suits. He feels uneasy remembering this man, he doesn't trust him, but still he was a part of the small little family he wanted so much to protect.)

He wants to know more about the kind old man he calls manager and the man with glasses and a startling resemblance to Serpent, the guy with the weird haircut who called himself the Devil Ape, and the pretty woman with the long black hair.

He wants to know more but he isn't even sure if he's Haise or Kaneki anymore.


	2. Anteiku

Edited: 02/06/16

In which Kaneki Ken came back to Anteiku after all.

* * *

 _Hello, I hope you're well_

 _You may not remember me_

 _And it hurts a lot more than it should_

 _But it's fine, just be happy_

 _I'll be in your heart, waiting_

* * *

When Sasaki Haise stepped inside :re, Touka was not at all prepared. Their eyes met and Touka felt a jolt of shock as Kaneki Ken gazed back at her.

Gray eyes assessed her with surprise, open and thoughtful as ever, but they were bright, brighter than she remembered.

(It's not as shadowed, not as haunted, and if this is what those two long years have done to him, Touka thinks she can be glad for that.)

His black roots had started growing back again and she stared at it incredulously. Nagachika Hideyoshi would be rolling in his grave with laughter if he knew that his uptight best friend was emulating him.

(It wasn't just the hair. She certainly didn't miss the white coat and the large briefcase.)

Her lips curved up in a sad smile. Kaneki had grown up well, standing with quiet confidence and assurance.

He really came back after all, even if it was Sasaki who stood in his place.

Touka was relieved. Although he was no longer Kaneki Ken, he was alive and happy as Sasaki Haise. She thinks she could live with that.

(A lie. She still missed Kaneki just as much but Touka could pretend, couldn't she?)

"May I take your order?"

She wished him the very best.

* * *

After that, Sasaki often came to the cafe, ordering atrocious amounts of black coffee like it was all he ever drank.

(It probably was.)

He was always there so Touka sometimes came over to chat with him.

"Kirishima-san?" he began hesitantly one day. ( _Touka-chan?_ )

"Is there something wrong?" she had asked in concern, worried and alarmed. Lately, he had been more quiet, reminding her of the Kaneki she used to know.

She didn't want him to be sad again. She didn't want him to remember.

"Ah, no," he smiled up at her, bringing a hand up to his chin. "It's nothing."

"You're a bad liar, Sasaki Haise," she had mock-threatened.

(Her mind flashes back two years ago, to Nagachika Hideyoshi and _did you know? Kaneki has a lying habit.)_

Laughing, Sasaki waved it off. "I was just wondering," he paused uncertainly, looking at her with hopeful eyes. "Who was Kaneki Ken?"

"I'm not sure if you would like to know."

 _(It will break you, Sasaki. It will ruin you and all that you ever stood for.)_

* * *

It's at times like this when Touka just wants him to remember. Her wish is just as selfless as it is selfish.

She just doesn't want to be left behind, nor does she want another friend to leave her side. It's as simple as that.

Even though she knows it's the right thing to do, it's hard for her to let him be, living with doubts and confusion, being discriminated without even knowing why, longing to remember the memories of his past that are being denied from him.

It's a painful life to live.

She sees it in the way he cries in frustration over his cup of coffee that must have seemed so familiar to him.

(It should be. It was how Yoshimura brewed coffee.)

But then Touka is reminded of the reasons why she doesn't remind him of the past in the way he laughs with his students and wipes his tears off with a smile.

He could be happy here.

Without the death surrounding him, without the tragedy of being a ghoul, without the bad memories of Aogiri, he had a chance to live, to be free.

In the end, that's all that she really wants for him.


	3. Shirazu

Edited: 03/13/16

Now that Shirazu's dead, where do they go from here?

* * *

 _Death becomes a painful memory of you_

 _But we try to start anew_

 _We have to, somehow_

* * *

 **URIE KUKI**

Death isn't unfamiliar, not for Urie Kuki. His dad came home often enough with blood on his hands, both from ghouls and investigators so it wasn't like it was a new concept.

It never mattered to him before. Death was death, no matter who you were. At least, that's what he thought.

That was before his dad never came home, leaving his only son behind with a hollow ache in his chest. It was a painful, lonely feeling.

Kuki thinks that maybe if he became stronger, he wouldn't have to deal with that ever again.

But then, Sasaki became the mentor of the Quinx and suddenly, it didn't hurt as much anymore.

(More often than not, they would laugh around the dinner table and Kuki often found the corners of his mouth quirking up when he was with them.)

That was before Shirazu decided to sacrifice himself for them, for him, and suddenly it hurt even more than it did before.

(A pity. They were almost like a family, weren't they?)

Leaning back, Kuki closes his eyes and lets the rain wash over him.

* * *

 **YONEBAYASHI SAIKO**

Yonebayashi Saiko has never known the death of a loved one before. Death only killed the bad guys in her video games and even then, they always turned up at the next level.

Death wasn't supposed to take Shiragin away from her.

Shiragin always waited patiently for her and he never left her behind. He treated Saiko to chocolate and dessert whenever he could and sometimes, he even played games with her.

He was like her older brother and brothers weren't supposed to die, were they?

Saiko presses her palms against her eyes and tries not to cry.

(Shiragin always protected her so why wasn't she strong enough to protect him?)

* * *

 **MUTSUKI TOORU**

Mutsuki Tooru had been a girl once. When he decided to live as a male, he received ridicule from a lot of the people around him.

Shirazu was the exception. (He had accepted this ugly truth with a puzzled grin, as if he couldn't fathom why anyone would hate Tooru for it.)

Tooru had heard the whispers, how idiotic Shirazu was, how he would never ever amount to anything. He never believed them, not when his own eyes saw how Shirazu fought to prove them wrong.

He was brave and selfless and everything that Tooru wanted to be.

Tooru still hasn't lived up to his own expectations. He still had a long way to go so Shirazu can't die just yet, not now, not ever.

(Because there's no use to emulating a dead person, is there?)

* * *

 **SASAKI HAISE**

He's not really Sasaki Haise anymore but he remembers what it felt like to be Haise. He knows what its like to have been a mentor to these kids, to Shirazu, especially. He doesn't think he'll ever forget the way Shirazu used to be.

(It reminds him of another blonde, once upon a time.)

Shirazu was charismatic and despite all the misgivings, he had a good heart. He could've been great.

(If only he hadn't wasted everything, a venomous voice whispers in his ear.)

CCG would list him down as a mere casualty, a statistic. After all, compared to the millions who died fighting ghouls, why should he be any different?

No one will ever know how often he tripped down the staircase, how often he would spill coffee on the rug.

No one will ever know how much he loved his sister, how he sacrificed his own humanity to keep her alive.

He had so much potential once.

(If only he had lived long enough to achieve it.)

* * *

 **SHIRAZU GINSHI**

Shirazu Ginshi was okay with death. Really, he is. It's just the 'leaving-behind' part that makes him slightly anxious.

(It freaks him out but he won't ever admit it, not even to himself.)

His friends will fare fine without him. Probably. Shirazu would like to think that they would miss him, at the very least.

He's got a sister to look after though. Hopefully, they'll take care of her. He trusts them to, anyway. It would be a betrayal if they didn't and he really doesn't want to think about that right now.

And well, he doesn't have a lot of regrets but he does wish he could have had more time to say goodbye.

He'd really miss them. All of them.


	4. 204

posted: 03/13/16

It's easier to lose his mind than to lose himself.

At least, that's what he thought.

(based on chapter 67 of :re)

* * *

 _The voice in my head keeps talking to me_

 _Who am I, he keeps asking_

 _How should I know_

 _He's me, after all_

* * *

A silent scream forces its way out of his mouth and he tumbles off the bed. Sweat drips down his face and he tastes blood in the inside of his check. He stumbles to the bathroom as the world around him spins.

Closing the door behind him, he leans against it tiredly. To his side, the mirror reflects his pale, tired visage. The lack of his glasses defines the dark bags under his eyes and the frown etched into his brow.

He laughs at the reflection. "Who's it going to be this time?" he asks mockingly. "Sasaki or Kaneki? Maybe even Centipede and Eyepatch, if you prefer being a ghoul."

He tilts his lips upwards wryly though there is no humor in his smile. "I hate you so much," he tells himself.

* * *

Number 204. What a wretched number. Kaneki reaches out a gloved hand to brush off the dust forming on the windows, catching a glimpse of the lone metal bench inside the room. He blinks once and suddenly, a white-haired teenager is there, sobbing into his hands.

"Feeding time, number 204," a voice intones coldly and it echoes painfully in the recesses of his mind.

(He tries not to think about Yamori.)

"No," he screams in insanity, raising his head. Blood seeps through the bandages in his eyes, dripping across his cheeks. "I don't want to eat! Let me out, let me out, let me out!"

His fingernails dig deep into the metal door, scraping loudly. "I have to find the others, I still have to save them!"

Suddenly, Arima is there and he tilts his head up at the imposing man. "I killed them all."

His face twists into agony and he claws at his eyes, shrieking once more. "No! I am me, me, me!"

A centipede in his ear burrows even further and he clutches his head in pain. ". . . But who am I?"

The scene warps and he's sitting listlessly on the floor, trying to remember something, anything, just not the blankness of before.

(The unknown has always scared him.)

His eyes have regenerated again but it's a little blurry and he finds himself squinting a little.

A book slides into his cell and he gazes at it in surprise. "Let me know if you need more." It's Arima.

He jerks his head upwards but the man is already walking away.

He blinks and suddenly he's reading a book, while other novels surround him on the metal bench. It's Takatsuki Sen's works, mostly. There's a nagging feeling at the back of his mind, a flash of purple and red, but it's gone just as abruptly as it came.

The setting changes again and he finds himself looking right into Arima's unreadable eyes. "The higher ups have decided to leave your name to you," the man says and he tilts his head questioningly. "We can't go on calling you 204 forever, after all."

"Aren't other people supposed to name you?"

Arima looks taken aback for a brief moment. ". . .Very well. Choose two of your favorite kanji."

He doesn't take much time to think about it. "The second kanji in coffee and the first kanji in world."

"Haise, then."

"Haise?" he leans forward, tasting the name on his tongue. "It's a really beautiful word. I like it."

He grabs a pencil and carefully writes it on a piece of paper. Haise. It would be his name from now on.

He looks up at Arima, giving him a bright smile. "Thank you very much, Arima-san!"

Footsteps ring out loudly in his direction and Kaneki is jolted back into the present. His fingers have formed a fist on the glass and he removes it shakily.

Arima passes by him, calm and ready for battle. "I leave this section in your hands."

(There is no mention of the name he had once cherished. Though, he isn't really Haise anymore, is he?)

Kaneki keeps his head bowed and avoids meeting the man's eyes. ". . . Understood."

When he is sure that Arima is gone, he flees to the locker rooms and closes it behind him.

(He thinks of his room at the chateau with the Quinx and the banana poster, and recalls having done this before, back when he was still Haise and struggling with the new influx of memories.)

Kaneki slides down against the door and buries his face in his hands. Unbidden, a tear slides down his cheek. He isn't able to stifle the sobs that follow in its wake.

"I've made my choice," he tells himself through gasping breaths. "I-I just have to do my job."

Taking revenge on Arima was his plan all along, wasn't it? He just didn't expect to be attached to the man who had become his father figure.

He presses his hands into his eyes and tries not to cry.


	5. Hide

posted: 05/14/16

Kaneki isn't the only one with a tragic story. It's the ones around him that suffer, too.

* * *

 _Farther and farther away you get_

 _To a place where I can't follow_

 _Don't leave me behind_

* * *

Nagachika Hideyoshi was born into a luxurious life where his mother was dead and his father never around, but Hide himself is composed entirely of loneliness and tears.

It's always lonely inside the mansion, with no one to keep him company. There weren't even any household helpers since Father believed that it built character and independence.

(Hide resented him. He wasn't even there, so how would he know?)

When he talks to himself sometimes, it echoes throughout the too large house with too little occupants. He hates it, the utter silence and emptiness. It's why Hide never takes his headphones off, always turns up the volume.

For a little while, he could almost pretend that the silence wasn't suffocating in the mansion, pretend that he was actually happy living like that.

* * *

Hide thanks him once, just after their high school graduation.

Kaneki turns to him with a puzzled smile. "What for?"

 _For being my friend when I was lonely, for just being there_ , he wants to say, but he only grins widely and slings an arm around his best friend. "For letting me copy your homework!"

He dodges the half-hearted swipe easily and wishes everything could stay like this forever.

* * *

The accident with the steel bars was no accident. Hide had been forming suspicious for a while now, some plausible and some outright ridiculous. Kaneki could've become a ghoul or something. Kaneki could've been brainwashed by evil aliens. It makes no difference to him.

His best friend was still in the hospital and of course he'd visit him. Maybe he did break a rule or two along the way but in his humble opinion, rules should just really be obliterated anyway.

Cautiously looking behind him, Hide ducked inside Kaneki's room, wide-eyed and disheveled. Sighing with relief, he turned to his unconscious friend. "Yo, Kaneki."

(Kaneki's paleness worries him but he greets him as he always has because the familiarity comforts him somehow, even in its shakiness.)

He drags a chair at his bed and grabs his hand, imagining Kaneki's soft, exasperated response. 'Hide.'

"Man, it was hard getting past all those guards," he complains. "Wake up soon, okay? Bail me out of trouble, like you always do."

His voice catches and he clears his throat with embarrassment. "Puberty," he mutters though he knows it's not the real reason.

(Hide feels uneasy. It seems as though everything's changed and he knows instinctively that it has something to do with Kamishiro Rize.)

"Don't ever change, Kaneki," he whispers. "Don't ever leave."

(He doesn't understand why he felt the need to say that but he _has_ to, before it's too late.)

* * *

Hide has a really bad feeling about this and it makes his stomach flip over in worry at the thought that Kaneki was different now, that he wasn't telling him any of this, preferring to shoulder everything, the _idiot_!

It's foreboding and he hates it, hates it with every fiber of his being, because why couldn't everything just be okay?

But letting any of his emotions show on his face would needlessly make Kaneki panic so for now, he smiles and laughs as if he doesn't realize that his best friend was getting farther and farther away from him, to a place where he can't follow, to a place where he can't reach anymore.

* * *

After Kaneki disappeared, he's been going to Anteiku everyday, hoping that maybe his best friend will somehow, miraculously, come back. And if he doesn't, Hide would go through hell to find him and drag him back home.

(He steadfastly doesn't think about the possibility that Kaneki may not want to return.)

A few weeks ago, his father had called. "This has to stop," he had firmly ordered. "Hideyoshi, it's been a month. You have your own life to live."

It was the first time that Hide had ever fought with his father. He doesn't regret it, will not regret it.

"I prefer to be called Hide," he answered back, cold and clipped, before hanging up the phone. He had tossed his phone on his bed and walked out of the room without a second glance back.

(He'd do it again for Kaneki, if that meant he'd eventually come back. He was willing to wait forever if he had to.)

Though despite himself, he found himself thinking about his father's words. Admitting it felt like a sour defeat, but he was right.

This would be his last visit to Anteiku in a long while.

(He wasn't giving up on Kaneki though, never in a million years, never in _forever_ if he could help it. And Hide would damn well _try_.)

Touka passes by his table. "It's closing time," she tells him quietly.

He lifts his untouched coffee to his lips.

It tastes a lot bitter than it used to be.


	6. zombie au

posted: 05/14/16

Hide tries his best to survive in a world where zombies are real and Kaneki is dying.

or the hidekane zombie au nobody asked for _/shot/_

* * *

 _This is a world where death surrounds us_

 _Life is fleeting and fragile_

 _You'll never know until it's already gone_

* * *

It's only been a month since they've started college but personally, Hide thinks he's dying. He suggests (demands) to have a weekend filled with parties and girls and pools and no studying at all but then Kaneki says that doing that will kill him even further, courtesy of the Kamii university professors.

They might be ghouls in disguise. Hide thinks it's perfectly plausible.

At this point of time, Kaneki is already past the point of wanting to smash his head on the desk, past the point of suicide and currently contemplating homicide.

His best friend was very very lucky because Kaneki was so nice and gentle.

. . . Most of the time.

But especially not at the time when they should really be studying for exams, and please pay attention, Hide, what is negative x squared over positive x squared minus seven x plus 6 plus x plus 4?

Kaneki can be really vindictive when he wants to.

* * *

"Kaneki!" Hide gasps dramatically, sliding into his seat beside his best friend. "I dreamed that ghouls were actually real and you were some kind of cannibal or something!"

The dry look Kaneki gives him is worthy of the Sahara desert. It deserves an Oscar, really, and he's sure it would've gotten the award much, much earlier than Leonardo DiCaprio did. Two seconds, tops, never mind two decades.

"Hide, you idiot."

He sweatdrops a little. How scary. "Hehe."

And of course, Kaneki mercilessly continues on with, "If I were a ghoul, you would be very dead."

Hide doesn't doubt that for a second, thinking of the white-haired teen and the eyepatch mask, trying to keep his sanity together in the darkness of the sewer and sad, so very lonely.

He's been having a lot of dreams about ghouls lately.

"Yeah," Hide replies, a little soft because did you know, Kaneki, rabbits can die from loneliness, too. "I guess so."

His companion looks at him, really looks at him with those really bright silver eyes of his, kind of like Mercury but not, because those eyes hold so much more than a single planet.

They hold Hide's whole world, too.

Kaneki doesn't say anything more than just a simple, "Let's go home."

And if Hide laughs a little hysterically, he doesn't say anything about it either.

* * *

In the end, it's not the ghouls from Hide's nightmares that become a reality.

It's zombies that cause the apocalypse, funnily enough, even though there's nothing funny about his family and friends being eaten alive and getting back up to do the same to him.

There's nothing funny about having to kill someone he knew just because he had to.

And if Hide can help it, Kaneki'll never become a zombie, neither will he, and they will make it through the end.

Just until everything becomes okay again, he tells himself. Just until the zombies are gone and all that is left is to pick up the pieces and move on.

Even so, he doesn't delude himself into thinking that someone will come and save them. The world is far too overrun for that. Hide knows that only death awaits them but he doesn't allow himself to give up, cannot allow himself to die so pathetically.

Kaneki's at stake here, too.

* * *

There are no slow motion effects when it happens. It just does, over as quickly as it had begun, and Hide is left shooting the brains out of the zombie that had bitten Kaneki, eyes wide and horrified.

The shot fires a second too late and the bullet explodes just as the dead corpse sinks its teeth into his best friend's shoulder. His ears ring and he doesn't quite remember who had screamed, louder, Kaneki or him.

There is no cure for zombie bites. You get bitten, you're as good as dead. Hide can't help thinking that all of this could have been avoided, if only he'd been better.

(All loses in this world are due to a lack of ability, Rize had said so. This time, it's Hide's weakness that had cost Kaneki's life.)

* * *

Sometimes Hide has dreams like this, back when the world was still light and happy and there were no such things as zombies.

"I've been pretty selfish, I think," he says out loud in the light of the burning fire.

Someone coughs harshly beside him, spitting out blood. It's Kaneki, tied up with chains and ropes to prolong the inevitable, and it hurts Hide to look at him, hurts because he was the one who had to tie him up like this.

So sometimes, he tries not to look at all.

"N-no," Kaneki tries to say, his heart stuttering and his chest heaving because he's dying. He's been having difficulty speaking now, too, to say things that had come so easily to him before. "Wanting to be - to be happy i-is not selfish."

Hide closes his eyes for a long moment, forcing himself to look, to look really closely because this might be the last time he's seeing his best friend. "I - Kaneki, can you give it your all one last time?"

The wound on his shoulder still looks red and angry, bubbling with green and yellow pus. It's infected for about three days now, longer than any other victim had taken to turn.

Kaneki had always been a fighter, especially when it mattered most. It makes him a little proud, a little angry, but a lot more sad, because being a fighter means nothing when you're going to die anyway.

The stress had turned his hair into white, and Hide flashes back to the nightmare with the half-ghoul boy in the sewers.

It's eerily familiar now.

He leans in and begins sawing off the chains with a knife, even as Kaneki tries to move away in horror. "H-hide, don't -! Don't want t-to hurt y-you, not you!"

Hide drops a hand into his shoulder to calm him down, trying to grin a little for Kaneki's sake. "I know, man." Despite the laughing glint in his warm brown eyes, his voice is serious and heavy with blunt honesty. "Who cares about that?"

"N-no! Just li-live for, ah, me, please?" His voice cracks a little at the end and Hide's heart breaks a little more.

The last of the bindings fall away as Kaneki loses control, but Hide doesn't let go, not even as pain explodes around him and he is slowly devoured.

"Let's go home."


	7. Aprons

posted: 06/06/16

Funny how a simple apron could remind Urie of what could have been.

* * *

 _scattered lost souls across the realm_

 _almost close but still too far to reach_

 _once a family now broken_

* * *

Urie only ever enters Sasaki's room once after the Tsukiyama Retrieval Mission. It's dusty now, but the bed remains messy and unmade, clothes prepared for the next day that would never ever come, waiting for Sasaki to arrive home.

The last time Urie saw him, he was already walking away from the chateau, away from home, only with his quinque and the clothes on his back.

("Maman! What about your clothes?"

A pause and then, "Do what you want. It matters nothing to me."

Just like that, he's gone, gone from their lives for what seems to be eternity, after everything else, after they'd become family.

Saiko stares at the space where their former mentor used to be, lost and wide-eyed. "Maman, he - he didn't smile at me."

He doesn't care anymore, is what she really means to say but the thought is left unsaid.

Beside him, Mutsuki goes still, unnaturally still in the way he never was before. No fidgeting or shifting of weight, and it speaks volumes about what he's feeling.

"Both of them," he says, and there it is, the movement Urie's been looking for. "Both of them are gone now."

Sasaki and Shirazu. The loss is almost too much to bear when one of them is dead and the other has abandoned them.)

Urie doesn't touch anything, doesn't get rid of everything that reminds him of before, everything that reminds him of Sasaki, everything that reminds him of what could have been.

The room is dusty now but he takes a deep breath, lets it out. There's the scent of old books and coffee, almost like their mentor but not, because the person who lived there once isn't there anymore.

Hanging behind the door is the white apron Sasaki always used to wear when he cooked for them. Memories of laughter in the dinner table, of happiness and content warmth, of comrades and family.

In the wreckage that Sasaki Haise had left behind, Urie had almost forgotten to breathe.

* * *

Mutsuki leaves the team eventually. Intelectually, Urie understands this, has seen it coming a long time ago. It doesn't stop his hand from shaking the day he leaves. It doesn't stop the weight pressing down his chest, making it harder to breathe.

There's a car already waiting for Mutsuki outside but Urie can still hear him speaking with Saiko, their hushed voices drifting down from the kitchen.

He grits his teeth and throws himself into his training, punching and kicking and lashing out, further and further until he loses himself and there's nothing left of him anymore, torn and broken by his own desire to stay together because dammit, Mutsuki, I've already lost Shirazu, I can't lose you, too.

"Urie-kun."

It's calm and accepting, so much like their mentor's, and for a few moments, he almost thinks it really is Sasaki, that's he's come back, but then he remembers that he isn't ever likely to do that, not when he's already established a reputation as the CCG's Black Reaper in the few weeks he's been away.

Sometimes he wishes he wasn't always right.

(But he does wonder. How much has Sasaki given up to stay with them, all those months ago and how much has he gained by staying away from them?)

When Urie doesn't answer, Mutsuki sighs a little, fond but sad, and sits down on top of the stairs. "I came to say goodbye."

His throat constricts and he looks away, studying the grooves on the walls, the scuff marks on the floor, all the times they had trained here together.

It's a little jarring to hear Mutsuki be like that, quietly confident once more, because Urie had seen him break after the retrieval mission, seen him cry and cry until there weren't any tears left.

If he didn't know any better, he would've said that his teammate had already accepted the fact that Shirazu was gone.

They spend their last moments as teammates like that, quiet and melancholic in the words that were left unsaid.

When they both know it's already time for him to go, Urie finally drags his eyes upwards to meet his gaze. "Mutsuki."

The dark eyes are more jaded, more closed off than he remembers, but he only ever notices because lately, he's sees the same thing when he looks at Saiko, when he looks at himself in the mirror.

Mutsuki smiles, getting up and turning to leave. "It was nice while it lasted, Urie-kun. We'll meet again, I hope."

By the time Urie can get the words out of his throat, Mutsuki has already disappeared.

With a hand in his pocket, he contemplates leaving things as it is, with less complications and less feelings involved, but then he thinks of Shirazu and all the things he never got to say, like how they were almost friends, how he was a better leader than Urie ever will be.

He runs, just like he runs from all of his problems, but this time, his feet leads him to his teammates.

* * *

His first impression of the Quinx recruits is that he hates all of them, but he doesn't exactly say that because it would be very unprofessional.

It's not his team and it's not the same. There are three of them, perfect replacements for the ones that left, except they could never ever hope to replace the ones before them.

Aura could never be as kind as Mutsuki, Hsiao could never be as patient as Sasaki. Higemaru could never be as brave as Shirazu.

Beside him, Saiko reaches out and tugs on his sleeve. "At ease, Team Leader." Her eyes are perceptive and observant, her smile a little sadder than usual.

Team Leader, she had said. Just like the recruits could never live up to the former Quinx members, Urie could never be as great as the one before him.

But for his sake, he'd try to be.

"Welcome to the Quinx Squad."

* * *

It's become a pretty normal occurrence in the morning to hear his squad squabble downstairs about which takeout to order. And yes, they've been subsisting on takeout and cafeteria food for about a week and a half now.

None of the recruits knew how to cook, and Urie and Saiko hadn't ever bothered to learn.

Saiko meets his eyes from across the room. "Man, I really miss Maman's cooking," she says casually, like they haven't been avoiding the past for months now. "Right, Uriko?"

"Squad Leader knows your mom, Saiko-san?" Higemaru asks, bright and cheerful and so much like someone that Urie used to know.

She shakes her head, looking a little rueful. "No, it's just a nickname for our former mentor, but come to think of it, he really was like a parent back then."

"Isn't that disrespectful?" Hsiao questions doubtfully, raising an eyebrow.

Aura looks a little thoughtful. "Did you mean that your squad was like a family?"

"Yes," Saiko murmurs. "For a time, we were family."

Urie looks away.

* * *

When he comes down to a ruined living room and a sheepish grin from Higemaru, Urie has to pinch his nose and breathe very, very deeply.

How did Sasaki even deal with this every single day, he thinks. It was worse for him back then, too, with coworkers breathing down his neck and reprimanding him for every public mess Shirazu and Urie had made.

It seems like Urie has one more thing to be grateful for to Sasaki.

* * *

When Urie comes downstairs for breakfast, it's with a white apron slung over his arm.

Saiko recognizes it immediately. "It's Maman's apron," she breathes out.

He gives her a sharp nod then turns to the piles of takeout flyers spread on the table with a distasteful look. "Clean up the mess," he orders.

"Yes, Squad Leader," they chorus.

Urie holds the apron a little uncertainly and Saiko watches him quietly with an amused smile. "Are you hoping to be like Maman now, Uriko?"

"No." (He's a little too selfish to be like Sasaki Haise.)

* * *

That night, when the table is full of laughter and warmth once more, for a moment, he sees Shirazu and Mutsuki and Sasaki, too, smiling along with them.

 _(I'm home.)_


	8. Aprons 2

posted: 06/25/16

Higemaru is entirely too much Shirazu and it brings up a lot of painful memories that they'd rather forget.

continuation of _aprons_

* * *

 _sometimes the past must stay in the past_

 _let it be covered in rust_

 _rather than blood_

* * *

Higemaru is exuberant, cheerful, loud, and entirely too much like someone Urie and Saiko once knew. He knows that they're all replacements, knows it by the way Urie looks at them and sees someone else. There are certain triggers, careless words that dig too deep into wounds that haven't quite healed yet, painful and sharp with the clarity of it.

Triggers are funny things, sometimes even as normal as motorcycles and zebra patterns and sisters.

Urie had always been a straightforward person, but this time, he looks away when he jokingly mentions dyeing his hair orange. Higemaru never knew that Saiko's eyes could ever turn that sad.

The apron belongs to Saiko's 'maman', to the mentor they used to have. He's heard of Sasaki Haise, the black Shinigami of the CCG, but Sasaki Haise, the mentor of the Quinx, of their broken little family, is someone he doesn't know.

Masks are something he's familiar with, and evidently, it's something that Sasaki uses, too, being the King of the Fakes and all. Higemaru just never thought that he'd use it in a relatively safe environment. It says a lot about the person hiding underneath.

It says a lot about the man with the darkest coal eyes he's ever seen, a lot of sadness mostly, not unlike Saiko's. He imagines that all of them have that.

* * *

There's a dark-haired teen standing outside when he throws the door open, maybe about his age but a lot more uncertain than he is.

"Hi," Higemaru greets after blinking in shock. "You must be looking for the Team Leader since we obviously don't know each other."

The guy doesn't seem offended at his bluntness, but maybe just a little melancholic like how Urie looks when Higemaru inadvertently reminds him of someone.

"I'm Mutsuki, Rank One Investigator," he smiles in that sad broken way of his.

"Higemaru, Rank Two, at your service," he exclaims loudly because smiles aren't meant to be like that, not supposed to be lonely and sorrowful like they lost everything that ever mattered. "Come on in, we're having dinner!"

Higemaru certainly doesn't miss the way Mutsuki holds his shoes unsurely, looking at the place where his, Aura's, and Hsiao's are.

"I can move them if you like," he offers, a little more quiet than last time, because he gets the feeling that Mutsuki was once part of the Quinx.

"No, ah, it's okay," he finally says, head tilting gratefully to him. "The past should stay in the past."

The shoes clack decisively on the wooden floor and Mutsuki straightens up with determined shoulders.

Higemaru wonders why the Quinx are all made up of shattered people.

(And if Mutsuki murmurs a 'tadaima' out of habit, he doesn't say anything about it either.)

* * *

There's something uncertain in the way Mutsuki stands in the doorway, taking in Hsiao and Aura and the apron on Urie's waist. Something familiar but not, because it's like coming home, see, but the ones welcoming you back are strangers.

When Saiko hugs Mutsuki a little too tightly, a little longer than usual, he lets her but pushes away gently. They both know that holding on too long to the past is toxic and they might never ever let go. Urie only rests a hand lightly on his shoulder but he's never been one for words and this means a lot more than words.

It's oddly comforting.

Higemaru averts his eyes from the scene and sees Hsiao doing the same. This is one of the issues that the former Quinx have to work out somehow and it doesn't involve them. Aura, on the other hand, looks a little wistful and distant, as if thinking of his family back home.

He exchanges a look with Hsiao. They both know that all too well so she reaches out tentatively with a hand and places it on the back of Aura's neck. Higemaru is too far to reach him but he puts on his biggest smile and tries to convey the definition of 'okay.'

Urie, Saiko, and Mutsuki watch them silently in their own little group hug. They look incomplete and there's a gap between them, as if someone was missing, but they try to keep it together nonetheless.

Mutsuki catches their eyes and smiles again but this time, it's not so sad anymore.

"Quinx Squad," he says, voice grateful even as he bows deeply. "Thank you for taking care of them when I couldn't."

* * *

Mutsuki tells them stories of the former Quinx members sometimes. Higemaru doesn't really understand why he can bear it because Saiko and Urie, especially, find it hard to talk about it.

But then again, he is far, far away from what remains of their former team, so maybe the reminder of their missing teammates became less raw, less painful, as each day passes.

Their team leaders can't really say the same.

* * *

Urie stops Mutsuki just before he leaves, catching his elbow. "Any word of Sasaki?" he says lowly.

Mutsuki glances over to Saiko, who looks a little hopeful but a little crushed, too, because they all know the answer to that question.

"Nothing. It's like he's forgotten about us now."


	9. Home

posted: 06/25/16

Anteiku burned down years earlier, taking Kaneki's life with it.

Or so Hide thought.

(in which Sasaki is a pun author and Hide is a :re worker)

* * *

 _they say you died_

 _leaving me alone without a light_

 _i never cried_

 _because i knew you were alive_

* * *

Two years ago, Hide's favorite season was autumn, partly because Christmas was near, mostly because he got to give Kaneki prank gifts for his birthday. He's always liked the orange and gold motif, liked to see the leaves drifting to the ground in a swirl of bright colors.

Spring may mean new life but autumn means that you've lived long enough to survive through the next season.

For Hide though, it's just another reminder that his bestfriend is gone because two years ago, Kaneki Ken had disappeared without a trace.

* * *

He doesn't remember much of the last time he spent with him, just that there was a lot of blood and fear and pain.

And it was dark. Hide had woken up in a hospital room and Kaneki was declared dead.

There was no body in the fire that was nowhere near hot enough to burn it to ashes.

Kaneki is not dead. He clings to that hope like a drowning man struggling to breathe.

He'd done his own research but the disappearance was mysterious. There was no evidence, no other sign except for the blood on the snow that was confirmed to be Kaneki's. Hide did eventually return to the university but it was different without his bestfriend at his side. He hated sitting in class, doing nothing, when he could have been looking for him.

Hide still misses Kaneki.

* * *

"Touka," he greets, entering the cafe. "It's been a while."

She gives him an unimpressed look and crosses her arms. "Sure. You took off on vacation for three days without telling anyone."

Nishio leans his elbows on the counter. "Glad to report that in your absence, that woman has become insufferable."

"Oh, shut up, shitty glasses."

"See?"

"Yes, senpai, I see."

In the corner, Yomo looks up from his newspaper, looking vaguely entertained. Hide huffs in laughter and Touka rounds on him, looking furious. "Both of you will wash dishes for a week or have no pay for the entire month."

They groan. Nobody wants to wash dishes, except maybe for Yomo who likes to splash soap in their eyes from time to time.

"Get to it. Oh, and Hide, welcome back."

He smiles back at her, warm and bright. "I'm home," he says, flipping the shop sign to open.

* * *

Two years ago, Anteiku had caught on fire, killing the majority of its staff. Some bodies were never found.

The four of them were the only ones who made it out. Touka had built :re in honor of the old manager, Yoshimura's ideals, built it from the ashes of Anteiku and death.

All of them are hoping that some of those declared missing will find their way here, to :re, to home.

* * *

(He called her Touka-chan once and she flinched violently, as if she had been hit.

Hide doesn't say it again.)

* * *

It's closing time now and Hide's just waiting for Touka to close up the shop. Only she doesn't, just turns out some of the lights and takes down the 'open' sign.

"Hide, do you know of Sasaki Haise?" she says, handing him an espresso. It throws him a little with the abruptness of it. He thinks for a moment, opening all the creamer and sugar packets. "He wrote a book, I think."

Touka takes a seat across from him, looking vaguely disapproving. "About puns, yes."

He has to stop himself from laughing when he compares that look to Yomo's. "Oh, um, okay. What about him?"

"He came here the other day, you know, with his students," she mentions casually, sipping her black coffee. Hide is observant though, notices the faint tremors in her hand.

"I didn't know he taught," he says, wondering about the point of this conversation.

"He's a mentor, teaches them hand-to-hand and academical subjects, too, I think."

He hums. "That's cool. Look, Touka, what's this about?"

"Sasaki Haise has amnesia," she tells him, setting down her cup and looking at him directly for the first time in their conversation. "Grey eyes, doesn't remember anything before two years ago."

Hide draws in a sharp breath. "Are you sure?"

"How can I not be? Hide, I saw him cry when he entered :re. He has a good life now, a steady job and no memories of before."

"So you're telling me that Sasaki is Kaneki and that I shouldn't remind him of the past?"

"Yes, exactly. He looks so happy now," she says wistfully. "Is it too much to ask for if I just want him to live?"

Hide doesn't have anything to say to that.

* * *

He meets Sasaki a week after that, dressed in a ridiculous beanie, shades, a sweatshirt and jeans.

"Are you hiding from someone because that's not very subtle," Hide says with a grin that stretches painfully across his face. The stranger looks up sheepishly and Hide's breath stutters a little in his throat because this is Kaneki in front of him after all those years.

"Hi, Hide," he greets, grinning and glancing at his nametag. "I'm Sasaki, nice to meet you."

It's familiar, so so familiar to Hide, but the name is all wrong.

"Pun author, right?" he says, laughing all the while when all he wants to do is hide away and cry or something.

Sasaki tilts his head. "You seem familiar. Do I know you?"

"I think you'd have remembered if you did."


	10. Bananaise Crack

posted: 06/25/16

Haise writes a pun book and it's a huge hit.

(major crack and OOCness, read at your own risk)

* * *

im too busy laughing to make serious stuff

'cannibal (noun) - someone who is fed up with people'

* * *

"Please, Arima-san," Haise says earnestly. "I want to write puns for a living."

Arima pushes his glasses up with a foreboding glint. "Let me clarify. You want to resign from the CCG to be a pun author."

"My schedule will be fully _booked_ if I don't."

"I hope there will be no math puns or else, we'll have _problems_."

At the side, Akira stares for a moment. "I'm not explaining this to the directors. I like my sanity intact, thanks."

"AKIRAAAA!"

* * *

Hirako is honestly done with his best friend's antics, 2000% done.

"Hirako, my son has found the right path," Arima gushes, tears streaming down his chibified face. "He's ready, I'm proud."

". . . what the fuck, man."

"He is too invaluable," Washuu snaps, massaging his temples with a sigh.

He should have never put the one-eyed ghoul into Arima's clutches.

"Director Washuu," ah, and here it is, his excuse for approving Sasaki's foolhardy decision. "Look at my son."

Washuu turns and is assaulted by the sparkles and flowers surrounding the two investigators. "You have no ability to procreate - "

He nearly bites his tongue off to prevent himself from adding 'you goddamn bastard'. Be professional, Washuu, be professional.

Sasaki's eyes widen and start to water. "I'm not Arima-san's son?"

The Shinigami of the CCG gives him the stink-eye, before hastening to comfort his 'son'. "Of course you are, you are the _sun_ that brightens my day."

Washuu starts counting backwards from twenty. He gives up at eleven. "Fuck, fine, on one condition."

"ANYTHING."

And then they're both in his personal space and his fingers twitch a little towards the hidden knife in his blazer. Pity, the government has a no-killing-humans rule but maybe Sasaki. . . .

"You train more half-ghouls while you write your damn book, Sasaki, and then get the fuck out of my office because I never want to deal with either of you again."

Arima pulls out a party popper from nowhere, and hands Sasaki some balloons. "I'm proud, son."

Washuu is pretty sure he's dying.

* * *

Urie regrets every decision that he's ever made that led him in this situation where he has to bear Sasaki's puns every single moment of the day.

His mentor even had the audacity to recite them while beating him effortlessly into the ground.

Saiko and Shirazu are joining in, too, dear god, and he's certain that they do it to spite him.

Mutsuki has the decency to look sympathetic but Urie has seen him sniggering and encouraging his teammates.

He's willing to bet his entire life savings that it's Mutsuki who gave him the pun shirt for his birthday.

Being a mass murderer sounds promising.

* * *

Touka has brought home a bestseller book as a gift for Yomo and he's touched that she knows him so well.

It's the Bananaise by Sasaki Haise, an acclaimed pun book, and Yomo adores it.

Touka eventually becomes curious and he gleefully ropes her over to the dark side. They now bond over hours spent pouring over the puns and discussing the various situations in which a pun may be used.

There's an email address on the back, encouraging readers to send pun recommendations. Yomo doesn't like technology but it is so worth the in-depth chat he had with Sasaki.

Nishio catches a glimpse at the inside back cover once and his eyes grow large behind his glasses.

Touka glares menacingly. "Buy your own," she hisses and Yomo applauds her.

Nishio throws his hands in the air. "Why isn't anyone mentioning that the author looks a lot like Kaneki?!"

"Good for him."

" _Seriously?_ "

* * *

[To: sasarious_punaise

From: shittyglasses-sama

What the fuck ever, Kaneki, keep your insanity away from :re.]

* * *

"Look, Ayato!" Hinami says with a wide smile. "Big brother wrote a book!"

He cracks an eye open lazily. "Oh?" he drawls. "Read the shit to me, will you?"

"It's not 'shit'," she huffs but obliges anyway. "'People call me crazy but personally, the moon is more of a _luna_ tic.'"

Ayato shots up and grabs the book, reading it over with intense eyes. "Hinami," he says without taking his eyes off it. "Do you think you could get me a signed copy?"

Puns run in the Kirishima genes. Or fly because their kagune do look an awful lot like wings.

* * *

Tatara bans the book but no one actually listens to him anymore because all the literate ghouls have been hooked and wow, Eto is kinda jealous but she soon sings praises to it, too. She resolves to visit this Sasaki soon.

Naki demands to learn how to read and Tatara prepares himself mentally for world domination.

* * *

Kanou chuckles, flipping a page in his book. "My son, you know," he says conversationally to a floating unconscious Yoshimura.

* * *

Sasaki takes his students along on a visit to :re, like that kind person who emailed him had suggested.

Unfortunately, he has to drag Urie kicking and screaming out of the chateau. "Who in their right mind would invite you?!" he shrieks.

Sasaki hums thoughtfully. "It was Shitty Glasses-san, I think."

"What kind of name is that?!"

His mentor promptly ignores him. "Shirazu, help me, will you?"

"Sure, Sassan. Pfft, hi, Urie-bastard."

"I hate all of you."

Saiko blows him a raspberry and Mutsuki laughs all the while.

* * *

Yomo plants himself in front of Sasaki once they get into :re and if that isn't stalker tendencies, Urie doesn't know what is.

"Big fan," the man says seriously with stars in his eyes. Touka magically appears at his side and they both simultaneously push copies of Sasaki's thrice-damned book. "Please sign."

Urie wishes he never saw the Bananaise in the first place.

"Thank you for being de-PEN-dable readers," Sasaki chuckles in delight, magically procuring a pen and brandishing it in the air.

"That wasn't in your book," Touka says in awe. "Are you going to make a sequel?"

Oh god no. Don't encourage him, woman, please.

There's someone making dying cow noises behind the counter. Some guy with glasses that looks like Serpent, probably, but Urie is not quite capable of coherent thought right now when his sanity is in danger.

He appreciates the thought that he's not alone though.

Mutsuki sneaks a glance at him, smug and evilly anticipating his reaction. Shirazu's shoulders shake and there's a giant grin behind the cup that he's sipping.

Sidling up to Sasaki, Saiko smirks. "Well, Sassan already has drafts, right?"

There are harps and trumpets everywhere near Yomo and Touka and who the fuck is that behind them that's rejoicing, too.

(It's Ayato, he learns later. A Kirishima, dammit all.)

* * *

Tsukiyama discovers the book by accident when Kanae drops it in his room.

Coincidentally, it opens to Haise's picture.

In a fit of curiosity, Tsukiyama reads the creation of his dear Kaneki-kun.

" _TRES BIEN, KANEKI-KUN~!_ " would echo in the mansion for hours. Kanae was just thankful that her master had come alive once more and that it was through a delightful book like the Bananaise. Her hate towards Sasaki may or may not have diminished at the discovery of the author's identity.

Well, as long as he signs her copy, that is.

* * *

[To: sasarious_punaise

From: banjodrumsOHO

Hello, Kaneki. The gas mask trio have recommended using this email thing. I am glad that you're doing well.

P.S. the puns are delightful. Attached below are the pun suggestions that we have created in collaboration with Aogiri.

P.P.S. we look forward to your next book, the Haibanana.

* * *

Meanwhile at the CCG . . .

Arima tears up at the book in his hands. "Hirakooo," he wails. "My son has dedicated his books to me, I'm honored!"

"Oh my god," Akira says, blinking rapidly. "He did. There's a section for me, too."

Washuu has been thumping his head on his desk for ten minutes now and Hirako distantly wonders if he should worry.

Maybe later. He's too busy packing his things for a permanent vacation.

Juuzo swings his scythe around thoughtfully. "Haise has some pretty gory puns here," he murmurs. "I wonder if I can apply them in battle?"

Hanbee pales rapidly.

* * *

Everyone loves the Bananaise.


End file.
